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  • aishak 1:07 pm on March 29, 2009 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment  

    Q & A with the Brain behind the World’s Greatest Invention 

    Okay, it’s me. I’m the brain behind the world’s greatest invention. Don’t get me wrong: the car, the telephone, the Slap Chop…all great. But nothing will change the way you live your life like what I’m about to present to you: Nupperware.

    Q: What is Nupperware?
    A: Nupperware is a decorative plastic food container designed to reduce waste at social gatherings. “Nupperware” is a portmanteau of “nuptials” and the name of a certain brand of container.

    Q: How does it work?
    A: Simple. The host of a social gathering–let’s take a wedding for example–provides nupperware for each guest. Let’s say you can’t finish your vegetables: put them in your nupperware. The guy next to you doesn’t show up: put his salad in the nupperware. A whole block of cheese left on the hors d’ouevres table: nupperware. Now, the food doesn’t get thrown in the garbage, and each guest is reminded of the generosity of the host the next day for lunch.

    Q: Won’t that take away from the elegance of the event?
    A: Oh, I am unaware it is considered elegant to waste food, especially in trying economic times like these! You should be ashamed of yourself. You know what’s truly elegant? Efficiency and resourcefulness.

    Q: Sorry, I wasn’t trying to say that–
    A: No, I know exactly what you were trying to say! You Americans and your wastefulness.

    Q: Aren’t you American?
    A: Yes. It’s the greatest country on earth. And if you are really worried about elegance, nupperwares come with decorative ribbon and a satin finish.

    Q: Moving on…where did this idea come from?
    A: Pretty much every wedding I’ve ever been to. I have seen way too many half-eaten chicken cordon bleus taken back to the kitchen to know that probably half the food prepared for a wedding ends up in the dumpster. I went to retirement party last night, and there had to have been 40 meals worth of finger foods on the tabel when the party ended. Think about how much better my life would be if I was eating a lunch of bruschetta, mushroom turnovers, and brie.

    Q: Might this idea of taking home food make the guests fight over the best stuff?
    A: Glad you asked. This is where one of the best new wedding traditions comes in. Much like the bouquet toss by the bride and the garter toss by the groom, the nupperware toss will now be conducted by the caterer. He’ll take the best leftovers–the bacon-wrapped lobster bites, the bacon-wrapped shrimp, the bacon-wrapped mushrooms…basically anything wrapped in bacon–and put them in the gold nupperware box. Then he’ll throw it at a throng of the hungriest guests.

    Q: Weddings are already expensive. Now the father of the bride has to pay for nupperware for each guest?
    A: Good point. Nupperware containers cost about the same as wedding favors, and they are a lot more useful. So if you are planning on giving each of your guests a letter opener with your names on it, or a statuette of a baby with wings, or a bag of the hardest almonds in the world, maybe think about replacing that with a beautiful piece of nupperware. They’ll remember you each time they have to take a casserole somewhere.

    Q: Last question: What is the greatest feature of nupperware?
    A: Nupperware shows your guests that you don’t just care about them today; you care about your guests as long as it takes them to finish half a steak, 4 baby carrots, one and a half dinner rolls, and two extra pieces of wedding cake.

     

  • aishak 11:43 pm on March 24, 2009 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment  

    Sara Bareilles is cool 

     

  • aishak 9:21 am on March 17, 2009 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment  

    The One That Tries to Be Critical Without Sounding Like a Whiner By Hiding Behind Humor 

    (made especially for grad students)

    Let’s talk about soup (I know what you’re thinking: way too exciting for a Tuesday! If that’s the case, just think about hot water with salt. Okay, now back to soup). If you are like most people (read: not Spanish), you like to eat/drink your soup at a reasonable temperature. Soup often starts out too hot, then is enjoyable for a few spoonfuls, then is cooler than you want it to be. Believe it or not, soup is just like every personal-information internet meme every created.

    Imagine it’s 2002 and your friend sends you an “electronic piece of mail”, which our culture, in its colloquial wisdom, has shortened to “e-mail”, if you are familiar with that slang. So you go to your “webmail” on your “e-computer” and find that your friend has sent you a quiz. Oh and in your good fortune, they have filled it out with their answers:

    2) What’s on your mousepad?
    my mouse hehe

    4) What is your favorite place in the world?
    hawaiiii its so beautiful there i wish i could live there

    7) Bran muffin or Fiber One bar?
    OMG bran muffin cuz fiber bars dont existt yet

    10) Been to the doctor in the last 30 days?
    LOL yeah i have some sort of contagious rash on my fingertips

    11) Where are you now?
    using dan’s computer

    These are sometimes annoying when they are first sent (because you think: “why do I want this”), but when a good number of people get involved, you might look forward to it. Then a couple of days later you get sick of them.

    Now I want to say something quickly here: I have done many self-indulgent things in my life. I have sent quizzes, I talk about my self a lot, and I made a movie starring me as “me”. So what I can hope for is that if you send a quiz or 25 random things or whatever, make it useful.

    And now we have the Facebook Yearbook picture tagfest using Mr. Mann characters:

    The way it works is you put this picture on Facebook and label your friends as “The One that’s Always Hungry” or “The Loud One” or “The One that Got Arrested For Murder” (I’m two of three, and I want you to guess).

    To each his own. If people enjoy it, that’s fine. Unfortunately, I can’t delete updates and comments on Facebook fast enough, so I have made a new one for everyone to upload:
    Or maybe you could semi-personalize it, like this one I made for grad school, with help from William Cannon Winslow (click for higher resolution):


    Someone upload that and tag it. And if the nicest person in your department isn’t named Adria then too bad.

     

  • aishak 3:39 pm on March 16, 2009 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment  

    Blog now on andrewishak.com 

    Did you know andrewishak.com won a Webby in 1967? It’s true.

     

  • aishak 7:36 am on March 9, 2009 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment  

    Fasting in the Coptic Church starts early 

     

  • aishak 4:33 pm on February 1, 2009 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment  

    Today’s Game is like the Super Bowl of Professional Football 

    If you are hosting a Super Bowl party today, I have gone ahead and made you a checklist of requirements for your event:

    1. The most important requirement is a large TV. Giant, wall-sized TVs are preferred, HDTVs are a must. If you have to ask what HD is, give up your hosting duties now.

    Best case: Giant HD projector with surround sound
    Worst case: wood-panel TV

    2. Second most important requirement is good company. Your company is only as good as its weakest link. For example, no loudmouths who talk during the commercials or spend the entire game talking about why football is lame. It’s good to have fans on either side, but its also sweet to watch the game with a home crowd (the Niners are horrible, by the way. I haven’t been in a home crowd for an SB since 95.)

    Best case: All friends and family that you enjoy
    Worst case: The guy who offers commentary on every advertisement and play. Yeah you’re right, frogs have nothing to do with beer. GO HOME.

    3. Third most important requirement is variety and deliciousness of food. Look, don’t bring that weak stuff in here; this is not just some football game. This game represents the culmination of everyone’s best new finger foods, appetizers, and desserts. You went to like 5 game-watching parties in the last year. Have you learned nothing!? You told me how great the bacon pesto havarti purses were or whatever they’re called, just make sure there’s cheese in it and make enough for me and 25 others. Also, pizza is a fine choice, but only good pizza. You know the Domino’s guy is delivering like 5-5-5-5-5-5 pizzas before he gets to your house, so enjoy the baked in cardboard goodness.

    Best case: lots of tasty things with cheese in them
    Worst case: Pizza Hut; anything that requires utensils

    4. Last but not least, comfortable seats make the difference. I cannot and will not watch a game on the floor sitting cross-legged. I can’t do it. I have so much extra weight on the front of my body that sitting on the floor upright with no back support makes my stomach feel like its trying to close a stuffed suitcase on a return flight from someplace with lots of souvenirs. And those souvenirs in this case are called chicken wings. When we get a larger place, I’m getting a recliner solely for the purpose of watching the Super Bowl.

    Best case: Recliners, couches
    Worst case: sitting on the hardwood floor, looking at a TV mounted 7 feet in the air.

    There you have it. Enjoy your Super Bowl OR use this checklist to complain. Your call.

     

  • aishak 6:07 pm on January 23, 2009 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment  

    You don’t have to go home but GET OUT NOW 

    Something happened to me today. Usually, when this something happens, one might say: “hey, I guess I’m just a young, dumb college student!” The difference for me is that today this something made me realize the opposite: “hey, I’m no longer a young, dumb college student–I’m getting older (still dumb and in college though).” This something happened to me for the first time in my life.

    Today I got kicked out of a bar.

    The Communication Studies department at UT has a Friday happy hour every so often. This particular day, the happy hour was set for Little Woodrow’s, a relatively quiet bar just north of campus. They have a nice patio, and at 5 pm a truck from Wahoo’s Fish Tacos parks itself behind the bar and serves up some tasty food. So 5 pm seemed like a good time for us to go.

    We walk in around 5, and the bartender immediately makes eye contact with me. Maybe the bartender thinks I’m cute, maybe he doesn’t, I don’t know. Regardless, he cuts us off just before we get out to the patio, where I can peek through the open door and see that the Comm Studies group is sitting there, having a pleasant time on a pleasant day (it’s 80 degrees in January, so that helps).

    “Sorry, it’s over 21 only.”

    “Um, what?”

    “Sorry, it’s company policy, no one under 21.”

    At this point I realize he’s not telling my wife that she looks young (she does look under 21 on many days). Instead, he’s talking about Evie. A baby. Apparently a baby cannot sit on the patio at 5 pm, as it is some sort of risk to the company. Because she might accidentally pick up a pint of Shiner and mistake it for a bottle of Enfamil. OH WAIT SHE’S AN INFANT AND CAN’T EVEN PICK UP HER OWN HEAD.

    In some sense it’s logical. Babies are like really really drunk people: they always want another drink, they are really bad drivers, and they pee all over everything. Also, they call their ex-girlfriends and apologize for breaking up sophomore year.

    Here’s hoping that Evie never gets kicked out of a bar again!

     

  • aishak 9:25 pm on December 2, 2008 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment  

    Hmm, no questions about what it’s like to raise a child prodigy? 

    My dad was interviewed recently about innovation. Enjoy.

     

  • aishak 5:16 pm on November 26, 2008 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment  

    I Know Everything There is to Know About Fatherhood 

    I don’t want to be too blunt here but after a month of being a father, I know everything there is to know about fatherhood. Look, it’s quite simple. People will tell you all these things, and the so-called experts will write books and articles, but here it is in 250 words:

    1) Getting peace and quiet
    Anytime you want to not hear your baby crying, you have a few options:

    • Feed the baby
    • Change the baby’s diaper
    • Wrap the baby up like a burrito
    • Put the baby far enough away from you that you cannot hear her cry

    2) How to feed the baby
    It’s really important that the baby gets the right nutrients, so if you can breastfeed, then do it. One difficult thing for me is that I am a male, so my body does not product the amount of prolactin necessary for breastfeeding. Trust me, I’d do it otherwise. So barring any major medical advancements in the short-term future, as a man, here’s what you can do:

    • hand the baby to your wife

    3) Sleeping through the night
    My brother had a daughter about four months before we did, and he complained about how little sleep he was getting. “The sleep, just wait, you won’t get any sleep, she’ll keep you from sleeping, no sleep, I’m so tired.” That was not a direct quote from my brother but it might as well have been because…well, because he wasn’t getting any sleep.
    Well let me tell you something: he was wrong. Not only have I slept over 8 hours a night, my wife is apparently sleeping so well that she will sleep for up to 6 hours after I get up. She’ll get up and say: “I’m so tired” and I say: “well maybe it’s because you slept too much, sweetie!” She generally does not respond to that, which I guess means…I’m right?

    4) Changing diapers
    I can’t stress this enough: toilet paper wasn’t invented until the 1850s, and people were having babies way before then (since the 1500s). Changing diapers is a myth started by Pampers to increase sales, much in the same way that all the motor oil companies say to change your oil every 3,000 miles, or dairies will put an expiration date on milk. Look, I got my masters in advertising–you can trust me, it’s all a big scam.

    5) Making baby smarter
    People tend to do this thing with newborns where they coddle them and treat them like they have to take really small steps and not force anything. In short, people tend to baby their newborns. Don’t ask me why.
    Let me ask a rhetorical hypothetical mythological question: If a baby pegasus walked up to you and said: “teach me everything you know”, wouldn’t you start with cumulative prospect theory? You have to challenge their minds while they are still expanding. They have all this stuff like Music for Babies and Baby Toys. If you had a ninth-grader, would you rather have him or her take ninth-grade English or tenth-grade English? Which begs the question: why not eleventh-grade English? Which begs the question: why not Spanish? Which begs the question: why not Esperanto? Which begs the question: why are we teaching people to use the archaic method of verbal communication? I’ll tell you why: it’s the diaper, motor oil, and dairy industries teaming up for profit.
    Push your baby to learn. We watch SportsCenter every night and if she could talk, our daughter would explain the BCS to you in under 60 seconds. Her first toy was a Rubiks Cube. Her second toy was my HP 48G graphing calculator. Her third toy will be a box (she’ll learn geometry).

    So if I can conclude with one thought, it would be this: fatherhood is a breeze, just make sure you have enough batteries for your graphing calcuator.

     

    • Baby Changing Stations 3:11 am on November 28, 2008 Permalink | Log in to Reply

      How cute…that’s the actual dad spirit.I don’t think you have missed anything in your description…God has bless your child with such a caring dad…:)

    • skyesprite60 10:34 pm on December 2, 2008 Permalink | Log in to Reply

      Love it. I don’t normally read anything bloggish because they are usually just people venting toxic feelings or concocting conspiracy theories. But this was entertaining in the classic Force of July Spirit! I just couldn’t stop reading. You will make (and currently are) wonderful father!

    • zsdsakk 7:30 pm on February 3, 2010 Permalink | Log in to Reply

      hcd5IR gzkjqoyxrjrk, [url=http://aarcadsqyynw.com/]aarcadsqyynw[/url], [link=http://ksotjbpgfkdj.com/]ksotjbpgfkdj[/link], http://gauicsoijvbc.com/

  • aishak 11:14 pm on October 23, 2008 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment  

    There is no reason to post this Prince album cover 


    Tip from Hayes, the biggest Prince fan ever.

     

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